Full Frontal Disappointment

I am sorry I haven't been posting movie reviews as often as I was before. It's because I fell into a hole, a hole scientists call the first 7 seasons of The X-Files.

How was I to get myself out of this hole? How was I to return to my endearing trait of obsessively watching movies? The answer was simple. "No shit," I hear you say. "Just watch the X-Files movie."

That is stupid! If we were in the same room, I would point and laugh at you for being so stupid. The obvious answer was to watch a movie starring David Duchovny, kind of like how heroin addicts ween themselves off the H by doing meth.

My Netflix Instant choices were limited in the way of Duchovny. My options were Return To Me, a romantic comedy where Duchovny falls in love with Minnie Driver, or Full Frontal. I choose Full Frontal because it had a better name, and because I didn't feel like watching someone fall in love with Minnie Driver because NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO LOVE MINNIE DRIVER BUT ME!

I should have attempted to keep the raging beast that is my jealousy under control and watched Return To Me, as Full Frontal was a waste of time.

It is the story of several Hollywood types and how their lives crisscross, shot in a documentary style. So it's Crash, but without the depth brought on by racial overtones, and shot in a documentary style.

The movie tries to provide us with a window into the lives of these characters, and it does this well with the natural light, hand held cameras, and the improvisations of the actors. The problem is that it's done too well: it's just like real life, but the problem is that real life is boring. I don't want to see David Hyde Peirce get fired and then go home and have a beer, I want to see him get fired and then get mud on his nice new slacks when a cab drives too close to the curb and splashes a puddle on him. I want to see him get fired and then go fuck a whore. I want to see him get fired, slam his badge down on a desk and shout "FUCK YOU, I PLAY BY MY OWN RULES AND I AM GOING TO FIND THAT BOMB."

The movie looked so good on paper: Steven Soderbergh directing (Oceans 11, 12 and 13), Julia Roberts (Eat Pray Love), David Hyde Pierce (Fraiser), David Duchvony, and a whole slew of other notable actors from TV and movies, but it just didn't pan out on screen.

It was boring, and to top it all off David Duchovny wasn't even on screen for that long, and most of his dialogue was him trying to convince a masseuses to give him a happy ending while he wears a plastic bag over his head (and before you ask, no, they don't show us that scene).

2.5 stars.

I'm going to go see if Agent Scully has given birth to that alien baby yet.