Star Trek

The new Star Trek movie is as if the old Star Trek shot up a combination of smack and Mountain Dew straight into its arm and started frantically and expertly humping a beautiful and nerdy tattooed girl in the backseat of a hot rod with the blaring of AC/DC on the radio providing the only background accompaniment to her passionate moans of ecstasy.

IT'S. BAD. ASS.

Within the first 15 or so minutes of the movie, a 12-year-old James T. Kirk steals a vintage 1960s Corvette and starts blasting -- and I am not kidding here -- "Sabotage" by the Beastie Boys. At the last moment he leaps from the speeding convertible just before it goes skidding off a cliff. BAD ASS!

The movie keeps that tone through out while still being nerdy.

The cast is amazing. Admittedly, it was a little hard for me to accept them. I kept expecting Spock to cut open Capt. Kirk's brain in order to steal his powers, Scotty to fight off a horde of zombies (most likely comprised of Red Shirts), and Sulu to hijack the whole operation in an attempt to find the nearest White Castle. These expectations were obliterated pretty quickly, although when Kirk's mother was being wheeled to a shuttle in the midst of giving birth to him, I was disappointed when no one got it when I yelled "Where's House?" Other than that, though, the cast managed to separate themselves from their past roles like a lizard can separate itself from its tail.

Zachary Quinto was the ideal pick to play Spock: having played a serial killer in Heroes, he has become quite adept at pulling off the whole I-am-completely-divorced-from-emotion-except-for-the-odd-outburst-of-rage thing. Also, he pulls off the bowl haircut better than anyone I have seen since Leonard Nimoy.

Chris Pine is just as brash and bold as you would hope a young Jim Kirk would be. In the bar fight he gets in (yes, there is a bar fight), he doesn't give a shit that he is getting the crap beat out of him because he "doesn't believe in no-win situations." It takes a hell of an actor to pull off that level of arrogance and make it believable.

I have to say, I am not often attracted to black girls (not a racist, they just don't get my blood working) but I would gladly make an exception for Zoe Saldana, who played Uhura, I am sure the things I want to do to her would not be approved of by the Federation.

(Not often attracted to green girls either, that also changed)

I don't think it was much of a stretch for Simon Pegg to play Scotty seeing as how Scotty was the punchline for most of Star Trek. That being said, he did a great job of being Scottish.

John Cho, better known as Harold from all those movies where he and Kumar go places, was a little bit hardcore, but I guess anyone who has sword fight after parachuting onto a space drill and doesn't die like some crazy Red Shirt would be hardcore.

Leonard Nimoy was awesome as old Spock. I heard tell that William Shatner was hella pissed that he was never asked to make a cameo as the aging Capt. Kirk but, as much as I love Mr. Shatner, he did not age as gracefully as Mr. Nimoy and having him in the movie would have spread a kind of cheesiness over the whole thing that would have upset the balance of the film. Leonard Nimoy could never be as cheesy as his friend, though: he always had an air of dignity and grace about him even when he was doing guest spots on Futurama, and he brings all that into his role (not just a cameo, a critical fucking role).

But the best actor of all was Karl Urban in the role of surly doctor Bones. The other actors get about 99.9% of their role right, the things they miss are difficult things to get right when someone has already played your part 40 years beforehand -- speech patterns and intonation, things like that. I will be damned though if Karl Urban doesn't hit the nail on the fucking head, he sounds and acts just like the original Dr. McCoy right down to the way he pauses or curses.

The plot is a stroke of brilliance. The story line manages to retcon the entire Star Trek world while still keeping the original cannon intact. I mean, I really can't go on about it without completely destroying you with spoilers, but let's just say the Star Trek you once loved still gets to exist while a new one gets to have some fun.

This movie was like sex, and I am not just saying that because I wanted a cigarette afterward. It is not the action packed fuck-fest you had after half a bottle of Jameson with a hot stranger in college, this was more like coming home on a hot summer night from a long day at work and being greeted by your girlfriend of a few years: you fall into each other, you moan, you laugh, there are moments that are steamy and passionate, moments that are loving and moments where you frantically and expertly hump her. In the end you lay next to each other completely satisfied. So either Star Trek was that good or I need to get laid... probably both are true.