Wax On Waxworks

I have a very limited budget; actually, to have a budget you have to have money, so I have neither. My movie viewing selection is pretty much limited to what ever is on Netflix Instant, so I can watch all the crap movies I want (which would explain why I watched Timerider: The Adventures of Lyle Swan) but every once in awhile I stumble on some forgotten gem, something that was too weird or wonderful to have lasted for very long in the minds of the general masses.

I present to you two such movies, Waxworks and Waxworks II: Lost In Time.

(It should pretty much go without saying that my review of Waxworks II will essentially spoil the ending to Waxworks. I highly recommend you watch the movies anyway because they are awesome.)

In Waxworks, Mark, Sarah, and their rich, posh, preppy friends get invited to a waxworks museum that has opened up in the middle of the neighborhood, in the middle of the night. The place is run by Mr. Lincoln (played by David Warner, who is the Alan Rickman you get when you can't afford Alan Rickman)and a tiny dwarf (played by the little person who played Alf on "ALF.") Mark and Sarah quickly discover that when you step beyond the velvet rope, the wax scenes become real and you are suddenly mug to mug with a werewolf or Dracula or a zombie.

Mark and Sarah beat it out of there before the monsters get the best of them, but they are followed by the disembodied hand of one of the aforementioned zombies.

And so ends Waxworks.

Waxworks II: Lost In Time picks up from there. Sarah gets followed home by the zombie hand and it beats her father to death with a hammer. Sadly the police, lawyers, and other members of the legal system don't really buy into the whole "wax figures came to life and killed my father" defense. After finding a compass that allows them to travel through time, it is up to Mark and Sarah to track down some evidence that will prove they are telling the truth.

The Waxworks movies are that rare blend of horror and comedy, giggles and guts; it reminded me of the first time I watched Evil Dead 2. Also, how many movies can you think of that have sword fights, zombies, Godzilla, and aliens?

In both movies the various wax scenes and moments in time come off as a little spoofy, but only a little. It is more like the director, Anthony Hickox, wanted to do tiny remakes of various horror and sci-fi movies but just didn't have the budget. They are funny, but kind of loving in a way.

None of the actors in either movie (with the notable exceptions of David Warner, David Carradine, and Bruce Campbell) went on to anything bigger than an episode of "Law and Order" and the director and writer Anthony Hickox's big follow-up was Hellraiser 3. Still, for a brief moment, they gathered to make something kind of hilarious and totally weird.

3.9 Stars

When in Rome, Do As the Romans Do and Don't Watch Shitty Romantic Comedies

I was watching the movie When In Rome, a movie about a girl who favors her career over everything until she finds loooooooove. It was sorta cute and kinda sappy and JUST LIKE ALMOST ALL ROMANTIC COMEDIES.

The dreamweavers in Hollywood, they can't come up with anything better than chocolate but they hope putting it in a colorful candy shell will be enough to land our butts in their theaters and our bucks in their wallets. This is true of all genres, but it tends to be very glaringly obvious with the romantic comedies. Boy meets girl, boy gets girl, boy and girl live happily ever after once they overcome a series of wacky events.

Here are a couple of rom coms that don't fall in line.

Chasing Amy: First things first, there is no one named Amy in this entire picture.

Comic book artist Holden (played by Ben Affleck) falls for fellow comic book artist Alyssa (Joey Lauren Adams) but, as it turns out, Alyssa is a lesbian. When Alyssa starts to develop feelings for Holden the movie takes an unexpected turn that forces us to ask what love really is: can it be defined by gender? Sexuality? Our past?

Even with the unique perspective, excellent directing, and witty writing of Kevin Smith, the movie still holds a bit to the Hollywood standard until the end when (SPOILERS) Holden and Alyssa break up. The ending is sad and touching, but mostly it shows that people can grow apart and still be okay.

Swingers: Mike (played by the director, Jon Favreau) has just been dumped and dumped hard. With the help of his womanizing friend Trent (the supreme Vince Vaughn) and his other warped and weird friends, Mike slowly gets over his hurt.

It's like watching a really good prequel to most crappy romantic comedies. We see Mike go through the pain of his break up, we see him pull himself up by hist boot straps and we see him meet someone new.

Swingers also talks about some of the more rarely discussed aspects of dating, like how long to wait before calling for the first time, how to deal with pain, and the benefits of NHL games on Sega Genesis.

When Harry Met Sally: When Harry (Billy Crystal) meets Sally (Meg Ryan), they hate each other. It takes about 12 years for them to finally get together, but during that time they become friends and grow closer and closer.

Out of the three, this movie is the most formulaic, but what is interesting about it is the sheer amount of time it takes for Harry and Sally to become lovers. It's one of the only movies where a romantic relationship grows out of a friendship that doesn't involve a high school girl dating a jock only to realize she loves her nerdy best friend.

It's kinda heart warming.

It's Okay To Be Late For Due Date

Peter Highman is trying to get from Texas to California in time for the birth of his first child, but bad luck, misfortune, and his own temper are thwarting him. When he and fellow passenger Ethan Tremblay (a hopeful actor looking to make it to Hollywood) get kicked off a plane, they decide to drive the distance. From there they get beat up by war veterans, have run-ins with the law, drink a dead man and crash a couple cars.

It's basically a rebooted version of Planes, Trains and Automobiles.

Most of the humor is supposed to come from Zach Galifianakis and his wacky character who just can't get the hang of being social, but it falls short. I am not familiar with Mr. Galifianakis as an actor; the only other movie I have seen him in was G-Force and it is hard to tell if someone has chops when they are doing banter with a talking CGI guinea pig. Whether it's his acting or the lackluster script work, his character just isn't that funny, although he gets a laugh here and there.

Robert Downey, Jr. plays the expecting father Peter Highman, and he is just as charming, funny, and angry as he is in every other movie he does.

It's a very slow start but the movie does have some funny parts eventually: the drainage ditch bit, the weird way Zach Galifianakis walks, the Mexico car chase.

Ultimately it is the kind of movie you don't mind watching once and then never seeing again.

2.5 stars

Seeing Red

The CIA decide to off a couple of retired agents because they "know too much." The thing is, Frank Moses just doesn't feel like dying, so he proceeds to kick everyone's ass 'til he and his former co-workers can figure out what is going on and who wants them dead.

Bruce Willis (Die Hard, Die Hard 2, The Kid) is Frank Moses, and he does his normal brand of semi-quiet, witty face-punching like he has done in every action movie he has made, and it is still entertaining.

Mary-Louise Parker (Weeds) plays Sara, Frank's only friend, and is completely unaware of his past as a government gunslinger until people start trying to kill her. Mary plays the part well with humor and big, beautiful glassy eyes.

John Malkovich plays the insane Marvin Boggs. When has Malkovich ever not done a great job at being insane?

Morgan Freeman (Shawshank Redemption, Bruce Almighty) plays Joe, but his part felt a little undercooked, like a turkey that hasn't been in the oven long enough.

Helen Mirren (National Treasure 2, The Queen) plays Victoria and shoots an Uzi. That right there is worth the ticket price.

Rounding out the cast is Karl Urban as William Cooper, the CIA spook in charge of taking these old people to their graves. Maybe I am still nerd-ing out over his performance as McCoy in Star Trek but Karl Urban is freaking awesome.

This is also one of the few action movies, packed with explosions and gun fire, at which I saw people over the age of 60 attending and having just as good a time as me.

The script is hilarious, the action scenes are tight, and the soundtrack boosts the movie to another level.

4.5 stars

Let's go get pancakes.

Matinee Showing

The 1950s Cuban missile crisis has got everyone in Key West all hot and bothered -- everyone except for horror movie mogul Lawrence Woolsey, who has just rolled into town to promote and premier his new motion picture, Mant.

The showman is quickly befriended by Gene, who helps Lawrence out when he isn't in school, watching horror movies, or taking care of his little brother. Gene's dad has been called off with the rest of the military to help stop the Russians from giving weapons to the Cubans and everyone in town is going batshit, stocking up on supplies and timing their bunker doors to make sure they will shut before the nuclear blast can obliterate them.

The plot isn't stellar, I'll admit, but the movie has a lot of heart. It shows a period of time when going to a movie was a real treat, a time when gimmicks were a little more creative than slapping on a shiny coat of 3D. This movie gave a voice to an idea I have had for many years: people don't go to a movie to see a movie, they go to believe in magic again.


John Goodman (Monsters, Inc., Big Lewboski, Speed Racer) plays Lawrence with a lot of unexpected warmth and kindness. On the opposite side, Cathy Moriarty (But I'm A Cheerleader, Casper) plays leading lady and Lawrence girlfriend Ruth Corday with an icy coldness that, while amusing, seems a little out of place. Last but not the least of the adult cast is Robert Picardo (better known as the holographic doctor on Star Trek: Voyager) as Howard, the neurotic theater owner who is convinced the bomb is gonna drop any second.

The cast of kids is okay; they play their parts well, but none of them stand out above the crowed with two slight exceptions. Omri Katz played Stan, buddy to Gene, who later went on to play the lead in the TV show Eerie Indiana as well as Max in Hocus Pocus. He may not be the greatest in this movie, but the sheer amount of '90s nostalgia he brings with him makes up for it. The other kid I kept noticing was the actress Kellie Martin, who played Stan's love interest, Sherry. Something about her kept ringing a bell in my head until I looked her up on IMDb.com

The girl from this image...

...may be better recognized as the girl from this image:

That's right, Kellie Martin is motherfucking Roxanne from A Goofy Movie. How fantastic is that?

All in all I had a good time watching Matinee. It isn't the greatest movie ever made, but it is very charming.

I give it 5 stars for movie lovers, 3.5 stars for the general public.

Nicolas Cage: Wizard

Ever since National Treasure, my friends and I have approached Nicolas Cage movies from one perspective: all Nicolas Cage movies are, in fact, real life documentaries about Nicholas Cage.

This explains two things about life as we know it:
1. It explains why Nicholas Cage's "acting" is more or less the same in every film. It's because he isn't acting, he is just living his life while someone happens to be filming.

2. It explains why no one is allowed to see the back of the Declaration of Independence.



I can hear you now, laughing off my theory like Christians laugh off evolution. "They can't be documentaries," you say, "they would have never been able to film that one where he is a knight or whatever because cameras didn't exist." Well did you ever think of this, you stupid monkey descendant? Nicolas Cage is a fucking wizard.



That is right, Nicolas Cage knows magic.

Case in point, The Sorcerer's Apprentice.

A cute little flick, and funny, too. In it Nicolas Cage must find the one person who is powerful enough with the magics that they will be able to stop the evil wizard Maxim Horvath from raising Morgana, the evilest wizard of all. Trouble is, the kid doesn't know he is a wizard and so Cage must train him.

"A-ha!" you say. "If it really is a documentary, how come that kid, Jay Baruchel, who was in such hilarious movies as Knocked Up and Tropic Thunder, is in this movie being equally as hilarious?" Now I must ask you, haven't you ever seen a look-a-like? Come on.

"Well" you say, nervously now that I have bested you twice, "what about the evil wizard Maxim Horvath? He looks an awful lot like the fantastic actor Alfred Molina who played Doc Ock in Spiderman 2." Anyone who is paying attention can deduce that Alfred is also probably a wizard, most likely a wizard who has given up on magic and devoted his life to acting in movies... but not this movie where he is, in fact, an evil wizard.

Now all you can do is sit back and wait for Nicolas Cage's next documentary entitled Ghost Rider 2.

I give Sorcerer 4 stars and an eye of newt.