Nicolas Cage: Wizard

Ever since National Treasure, my friends and I have approached Nicolas Cage movies from one perspective: all Nicolas Cage movies are, in fact, real life documentaries about Nicholas Cage.

This explains two things about life as we know it:
1. It explains why Nicholas Cage's "acting" is more or less the same in every film. It's because he isn't acting, he is just living his life while someone happens to be filming.

2. It explains why no one is allowed to see the back of the Declaration of Independence.



I can hear you now, laughing off my theory like Christians laugh off evolution. "They can't be documentaries," you say, "they would have never been able to film that one where he is a knight or whatever because cameras didn't exist." Well did you ever think of this, you stupid monkey descendant? Nicolas Cage is a fucking wizard.



That is right, Nicolas Cage knows magic.

Case in point, The Sorcerer's Apprentice.

A cute little flick, and funny, too. In it Nicolas Cage must find the one person who is powerful enough with the magics that they will be able to stop the evil wizard Maxim Horvath from raising Morgana, the evilest wizard of all. Trouble is, the kid doesn't know he is a wizard and so Cage must train him.

"A-ha!" you say. "If it really is a documentary, how come that kid, Jay Baruchel, who was in such hilarious movies as Knocked Up and Tropic Thunder, is in this movie being equally as hilarious?" Now I must ask you, haven't you ever seen a look-a-like? Come on.

"Well" you say, nervously now that I have bested you twice, "what about the evil wizard Maxim Horvath? He looks an awful lot like the fantastic actor Alfred Molina who played Doc Ock in Spiderman 2." Anyone who is paying attention can deduce that Alfred is also probably a wizard, most likely a wizard who has given up on magic and devoted his life to acting in movies... but not this movie where he is, in fact, an evil wizard.

Now all you can do is sit back and wait for Nicolas Cage's next documentary entitled Ghost Rider 2.

I give Sorcerer 4 stars and an eye of newt.

Land Of The Lost wasn't lost on me.

Rather than explain the plot of Land of The Lost, I will just post a YouTube clip of the original TV show.


In my review of The Other Guys, I gave Will Ferrell a thorough verbal smacking, and today I have come with a fork and knife to eat my words. In Land of The Lost, Will Ferrell is hysterical. He is kind of doing his same old schtick, but in this setting it works.

Will Ferrell plays shamed scientist, Rick Marshall.

Danny McBride (Tropic Thunder, Pineapple Express) plays Will, the redneck owner of a failing tourist attraction.

Anna Friel (the dead girl from Pushing Daisies) plays Marshall's assistant, Holly.

And lastly Jorma Taccone (who hasn't done any notable acting before) plays the monkey creature Chaka.

This movie floundered in theaters -- I only really rented it because I dug the aesthetic.

How can anyone resist seeing the Golden Gate Bridge half buried while Big Ben leans in the background like a drunk uncle at a baseball game? I was not disappointed: collapsing drive-ins, Cadillacs sticking out of the ground like freshly grown sunflowers, and a storefront that is literally just the front of a store. The look of the movie is pretty impressive.

Danny and Will ad-lib a lot and it was probably an improvement on the script. I can't tell if Anna does any improv and Jarme does nothing but grunt and bob around, but both are still good companions for Danny and Will.

The Lizard people (I think they are called Sleestacks) look fake, the dinosaurs look real, and an ice cream man gets eaten. I seriously can't figure out why this movie flopped: it is by no means what one might call "high brow," but neither is it a pile of shit like Gigli.

It is a good rent.

3.5 stars.