Drive Angry

There are no words that could possibly describe how badly I want to see this movie.

Nicolas Cage: Wizard

Ever since National Treasure, my friends and I have approached Nicolas Cage movies from one perspective: all Nicolas Cage movies are, in fact, real life documentaries about Nicholas Cage.

This explains two things about life as we know it:
1. It explains why Nicholas Cage's "acting" is more or less the same in every film. It's because he isn't acting, he is just living his life while someone happens to be filming.

2. It explains why no one is allowed to see the back of the Declaration of Independence.



I can hear you now, laughing off my theory like Christians laugh off evolution. "They can't be documentaries," you say, "they would have never been able to film that one where he is a knight or whatever because cameras didn't exist." Well did you ever think of this, you stupid monkey descendant? Nicolas Cage is a fucking wizard.



That is right, Nicolas Cage knows magic.

Case in point, The Sorcerer's Apprentice.

A cute little flick, and funny, too. In it Nicolas Cage must find the one person who is powerful enough with the magics that they will be able to stop the evil wizard Maxim Horvath from raising Morgana, the evilest wizard of all. Trouble is, the kid doesn't know he is a wizard and so Cage must train him.

"A-ha!" you say. "If it really is a documentary, how come that kid, Jay Baruchel, who was in such hilarious movies as Knocked Up and Tropic Thunder, is in this movie being equally as hilarious?" Now I must ask you, haven't you ever seen a look-a-like? Come on.

"Well" you say, nervously now that I have bested you twice, "what about the evil wizard Maxim Horvath? He looks an awful lot like the fantastic actor Alfred Molina who played Doc Ock in Spiderman 2." Anyone who is paying attention can deduce that Alfred is also probably a wizard, most likely a wizard who has given up on magic and devoted his life to acting in movies... but not this movie where he is, in fact, an evil wizard.

Now all you can do is sit back and wait for Nicolas Cage's next documentary entitled Ghost Rider 2.

I give Sorcerer 4 stars and an eye of newt.

Kick-Ass kicks ass

Simply put, Kick-Ass kicks ass.

David Lizeweski (played by Aaron Johnson) has had enough of his dull-as-dirt teenage life and the muggings that punctuate it. Inspired by the comics he reads, he dons a green suit and hits the streets as the hero Kick-Ass, which in turn inspires ex-cop Damon Macready and his slightly psychotic daughter Mindy (played by Nicolas Cage and Chloe Moretz, respectively) to join him as Big Daddy and Hit Girl. Together they team up to take down crime.

The movie has what every superhero movie needs to be good: enough heart to be entertaining and enough violence to keep you interested. It has the same feel as the first Spiderman movie (a feeling the second Spiderman fell short of and the third one ignored): it's just about a kid trying to make the world he lives in a better one.

While Aaron Johnson and Nicolas Cage both do a great job, the real break out performance comes from Chloe Moretz as Hit Girl. Her action scenes are fucking fantastic and she talks like a seasoned sailor. She may be 12, but damned if I don't want to hang out with her. If for no other reason, go see this movie to watch a little girl slaughter the shit out of drug dealers while J-pop plays in the background.

The comic book jokes and references are light, but plentiful enough to make nerds like me giggle. The soundtrack does a great job of amping up the fight scenes and climaxing the drama. It's all around good times.

It's a great superhero movie: well-directed, well-acted, well-written. It's Batman, but with guns; it's Superman, but with fighting; it's Fantastic Four, but without all the sucking.

5 stars way up.