Tron: Legacy

I saw Tron: Legacy in 3D at a midnight screening and HOLY FUCK IT WAS NEAT-O.

Now, I am a bit of a geek (if by "a bit of a geek," you mean "a huge mega-geek"), so I get all tingly in my pants any time Hollywood tosses a bone to anything remotely nerdy. I mean, I saw G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra in theaters, I paid money to see it. If knowing is half the battle, I really hope the other half has nothing to do with Marlon Wayans.

So needless to say I got doe-eyed and hopeful when I heard they had a new Tron on the table and my little nerd heart got excited when it heard that Jeff Bridges would be returning and other parts of my body got excited when I saw Olivia Wilde in her Tron suit.

Jeff Bridges returns, playing the charismatic, kinda hippy-ish and goofy The Dude, I mean The Dude plays Kevin Flynn, I mean Kevin Flynn is The Dude, I mean...Jeff Bridges is awesome.

It has been awhile since Kevin Flynn got downloaded onto a computer, he has started a hugely successful software business and has had a kid, Sam, but he disappears one night and no one can find him.

Twenty-years-later Sam is played by Garrett Hedlund. Sam is kind of a bitter about the whole being-abandoned-by-his-father thing and Hedlund plays him with a nice touch of anger and rebellion.

Sam gets sucked into the grid, just like his father, and,just like his father, is forced to play in "the Games." If you saw the first Tron, you remember that "the Games" was when they would force you to throw discs at your opponent or ride around on a crappy CGI motorcycle. It's pretty much the same in the new Tron except A BILLION TIMES MORE AWESOME because they are all amped up on new technology and in 3D.

Sam meets a guy who looks exactly like his father, except it isn't his father, it is a clone his father created named Clu (played by Jeff Bridges.) Clu runs the grid and guess what? He is evil.

Sam gets rescued by Quorra, a bad ass and kind of dorky program played by Olivia Wilde who is a bad ass dork. She takes him to his real father who has been hiding for 20 years after Clu betrayed him and trapped him in the computer.

The script is very well done: action packed, thought provoking, funny. The club scene (where Daft Punk makes a cameo) had me laughing like a madman and the fight scenes took my breath away. They didn't play up the romantic sparks between Sam and Quorra, which actually gave it some room to grow.

The special effects, like I said, were awesome. the only thing that didn't quite click was Clu, who was played by the 60-year-old Jeff Bridges but digitally altered to look like the 30-year-old Jeff Bridges, it is pretty good, but something just felt off and was just a tad creepy, but then again Clu is the bad guy so maybe it is a good thing that he is just a bit off and creepy.

Daft Punk did the soundtrack. I am not too wild about electronica, if my music doesn't have an electric guitar or a singer who drinks Jack Daniels I tend to tune out, but Daft Punk is a rare exception to this rule as their beats are hypnotic, tantalizing, and -- given that most of the movie takes place inside a computer -- entirely fitting.

The movie is amazing: the combination of great acting, fantastic story, and mind blowing special effects make for a heady brew of joy juice. I only hope Disney doesn't fuck it up by doing direct-to-DVD sequels or a shitty animated series or something.

4.6 Discs.

Wax On Waxworks

I have a very limited budget; actually, to have a budget you have to have money, so I have neither. My movie viewing selection is pretty much limited to what ever is on Netflix Instant, so I can watch all the crap movies I want (which would explain why I watched Timerider: The Adventures of Lyle Swan) but every once in awhile I stumble on some forgotten gem, something that was too weird or wonderful to have lasted for very long in the minds of the general masses.

I present to you two such movies, Waxworks and Waxworks II: Lost In Time.

(It should pretty much go without saying that my review of Waxworks II will essentially spoil the ending to Waxworks. I highly recommend you watch the movies anyway because they are awesome.)

In Waxworks, Mark, Sarah, and their rich, posh, preppy friends get invited to a waxworks museum that has opened up in the middle of the neighborhood, in the middle of the night. The place is run by Mr. Lincoln (played by David Warner, who is the Alan Rickman you get when you can't afford Alan Rickman)and a tiny dwarf (played by the little person who played Alf on "ALF.") Mark and Sarah quickly discover that when you step beyond the velvet rope, the wax scenes become real and you are suddenly mug to mug with a werewolf or Dracula or a zombie.

Mark and Sarah beat it out of there before the monsters get the best of them, but they are followed by the disembodied hand of one of the aforementioned zombies.

And so ends Waxworks.

Waxworks II: Lost In Time picks up from there. Sarah gets followed home by the zombie hand and it beats her father to death with a hammer. Sadly the police, lawyers, and other members of the legal system don't really buy into the whole "wax figures came to life and killed my father" defense. After finding a compass that allows them to travel through time, it is up to Mark and Sarah to track down some evidence that will prove they are telling the truth.

The Waxworks movies are that rare blend of horror and comedy, giggles and guts; it reminded me of the first time I watched Evil Dead 2. Also, how many movies can you think of that have sword fights, zombies, Godzilla, and aliens?

In both movies the various wax scenes and moments in time come off as a little spoofy, but only a little. It is more like the director, Anthony Hickox, wanted to do tiny remakes of various horror and sci-fi movies but just didn't have the budget. They are funny, but kind of loving in a way.

None of the actors in either movie (with the notable exceptions of David Warner, David Carradine, and Bruce Campbell) went on to anything bigger than an episode of "Law and Order" and the director and writer Anthony Hickox's big follow-up was Hellraiser 3. Still, for a brief moment, they gathered to make something kind of hilarious and totally weird.

3.9 Stars

A Double Feature In Three Dimensions

Little known fact: any two movies at the theater can be a double feature as long as you sneak into one of them.



Tangled is the story of Rapunzel... sort of. Rapunzel (voiced by Mandy Moore) has lived her entire life in a secret tower, and her only friends are her pet chameleon and Mother Gothel, a woman Rapunzel believes is her mother, but is a mean bitch who has kept the girl hidden away because of the healing powers her hair possesses. Her curiosity gets the better of her when she meets Flynn, a robber on the run from the law, together they venture to the kingdom to see the floating lights that appear every year on her birthday.

The movie is very entertaining, especially the chameleon and the palace guard horse that tracks the lead characters like a bloodhound (not a metaphor.)

The songs are completely forgettable, and I am being literal: I cannot remember a single lyric from any one of the songs. They aren't even long enough to be considered real songs, it's like the music guy at Disney realized he'd forgotten to write any songs before the thing went into production and so he jotted the lyrics down on a napkin during a twenty-minute lunch break.

Disney finally proves that it is still in the fucking game when it comes to animation. For many long years, anything Disney did kind of got steam-rolled under the mighty Pixar machine, and while Tangled isn't quite as good as Wall-E or Toy Story, it is miles above some of the direct-to-DVD schlock Disney has been pumping out like toxic sludge. For once the 3D actually enhanced the quality, embedding the watcher in the scenery instead of just presenting it.

The cast was par, as in not sub-par, except Zachery Levi (Chuck), who voiced Flynn, he brought the comedy up to another level. His every line had me giggling, his timing and delivery are priceless.

Tangled gets 3.8 stars.

Up next is Megamind.

Megamind (Will Ferrell, Elf, Anchorman, SNL) is an alien who was sent to Earth as a baby when his planet was blown into chunks. Unfortunately his spaceship lands, not in Kansas, but in a prison, and the inmates raise him to be a villain. He does the usual evil-doer things, has a lair, a Minion (David Cross, Year One, Kung Fu Panda)and his enemy, superhero Megaman (voiced by Brad Pitt, Ocean's 11-13.) When Megamind destroys Megaman, what will he do? How will his life change? When he looks in the mirror will he like the giant blue head that stares back at him?

I love any movie that lets you peek behind the cape and get a look at the real person and their life, whether it is Megamind or Watchmen or... well, I guess it is really only the two, but still, it is incredibly interesting to see how these people tick.

The awkward social mess that Will Ferrell usually lends itself very well to this animated caper. If it had been live action and he had been playing some kind of football star, I am sure I would have been throwing things at the screen, but as an animated super villain with a giant blue head, he had me laughing.

Tina Fey, who plays the love interest Roxanne Ricthi, is freaking hilarious. I cannot say that enough, she is freaking hilarious.

In fact, they are all freaking hilarious: Jonah Jill, David Cross, all of them except Brad Pitt. Maybe his character wasn't meant to be funny, maybe it just wasn't great writing, or maybe it was just bad acting; either way it felt like Brad phoned it in a little with that one.

The animation is good, not great, but better than most of the other animated movies Dreamworks spits out. The 3D didn't really add anything to it, but seeing as how I didn't pay for my ticket, I'll let that slide.

Megamind gets 3.6 stars

When in Rome, Do As the Romans Do and Don't Watch Shitty Romantic Comedies

I was watching the movie When In Rome, a movie about a girl who favors her career over everything until she finds loooooooove. It was sorta cute and kinda sappy and JUST LIKE ALMOST ALL ROMANTIC COMEDIES.

The dreamweavers in Hollywood, they can't come up with anything better than chocolate but they hope putting it in a colorful candy shell will be enough to land our butts in their theaters and our bucks in their wallets. This is true of all genres, but it tends to be very glaringly obvious with the romantic comedies. Boy meets girl, boy gets girl, boy and girl live happily ever after once they overcome a series of wacky events.

Here are a couple of rom coms that don't fall in line.

Chasing Amy: First things first, there is no one named Amy in this entire picture.

Comic book artist Holden (played by Ben Affleck) falls for fellow comic book artist Alyssa (Joey Lauren Adams) but, as it turns out, Alyssa is a lesbian. When Alyssa starts to develop feelings for Holden the movie takes an unexpected turn that forces us to ask what love really is: can it be defined by gender? Sexuality? Our past?

Even with the unique perspective, excellent directing, and witty writing of Kevin Smith, the movie still holds a bit to the Hollywood standard until the end when (SPOILERS) Holden and Alyssa break up. The ending is sad and touching, but mostly it shows that people can grow apart and still be okay.

Swingers: Mike (played by the director, Jon Favreau) has just been dumped and dumped hard. With the help of his womanizing friend Trent (the supreme Vince Vaughn) and his other warped and weird friends, Mike slowly gets over his hurt.

It's like watching a really good prequel to most crappy romantic comedies. We see Mike go through the pain of his break up, we see him pull himself up by hist boot straps and we see him meet someone new.

Swingers also talks about some of the more rarely discussed aspects of dating, like how long to wait before calling for the first time, how to deal with pain, and the benefits of NHL games on Sega Genesis.

When Harry Met Sally: When Harry (Billy Crystal) meets Sally (Meg Ryan), they hate each other. It takes about 12 years for them to finally get together, but during that time they become friends and grow closer and closer.

Out of the three, this movie is the most formulaic, but what is interesting about it is the sheer amount of time it takes for Harry and Sally to become lovers. It's one of the only movies where a romantic relationship grows out of a friendship that doesn't involve a high school girl dating a jock only to realize she loves her nerdy best friend.

It's kinda heart warming.

Meh

I watch a lot movies, which you may have gathered this on your own. Some of them are notable, either because they are good or simply awful; recently, though, I have watched a lot of movies that are, for lack of a better term, completely... meh.

They aren't good or bad, they are just kind of there. They are like the old woman in the grocery store who slowly shuffles down the middle of the aisle, paying no attention to the canned goods on one side or the selection of salsa on the other side.

Rather than do full-fledged reviews of each, I'll just jot down some thoughts on each.

Old Dogs: All the jokes revolve around John Travolta and Robin Williams either being gay or old.
It Could Happen To You: How did Rosie Perez ever get work? Seriously.
Guarding Tess: Nicolas Cage shoots a man in the foot.
Top Secret: I was once a big fan of spoof movies, but then I stopped being 13.
The 'Burbs: Tom Hanks married Princess Leia? THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED IN MY FAN FIC.
The Video Dead: I don't think I have ever yawned while watching a zombie movie before.
The Lost Boys: The Tribe Good to see Corey Feldman getting work. Don't really get the Dark Knight voice he uses, but still.
Saint Jon of Las Vegas: A Vegas movie that doesn't even really take place in Vegas.
G-Force: The voice of the mole was Nicolas Cage.
Astro Boy: A grieving father makes a robot of his dead son; for some reason the robot likes to wear wrestler shorts and red booties.
The Substitute: The public school system hasn't improved since this was made.

Maybe you will watch these movies and find them to be a little less middle-of-the road.


"You're leaving me for the guy from Big?"

Super Capers: Strong Concept, Mild Mannered Finish

The idea sounded so good: wannabe superhero Ed (played by Justin Whalin from Lois & Clark) is sentenced by The Judge (Michael Rooker, the bald guy from Mallrats and the biker in The Walking Dead) to become part of the Super Capers, a rag-tag group of superheroes in training.

I was hoping for something like The Watchmen meets "Seinfeld," but what I got was "Scooby Doo" meets 1960s "Batman." (Which, for the record, did happen and was awesome.) The movie is waaaay too corny and cartoony; as an example, I'd say well over half of the sound effects were blatantly lifted from old episodes of "Loony Toons."

Sam Lloyd, who played the sad sack lawyer Ted who lived with his mother on "Scrubs," now plays the sad sack superhero Brainard, who also lives with his mother. It's such a stretch, I know.

Ray McPartlin, who plays the confidence-oozing and somewhat looks-obsessed Devon on Chuck now plays the confidence-oozing and somewhat looks-obsessed Will Powers. Try to keep your mind from boggling.

Like a dyslexic kid doing algebra, Super Capers tries really hard, struggles, and fails. The writer/director Ray Griggs was obviously trying to emulate the humor from the Adam West era "Batman" show, but what most people don't realize is "Batman" was funny because it wasn't trying to be funny, it was like a puppy chasing its tail, it makes you laugh but the puppy was never trying to make you laugh.

The best part of this movie is when I recognized the beautiful Danielle Harris as the little girl from Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Meyers.

1.8 exploding home planets


Much better than Super Capers

It's Okay To Be Late For Due Date

Peter Highman is trying to get from Texas to California in time for the birth of his first child, but bad luck, misfortune, and his own temper are thwarting him. When he and fellow passenger Ethan Tremblay (a hopeful actor looking to make it to Hollywood) get kicked off a plane, they decide to drive the distance. From there they get beat up by war veterans, have run-ins with the law, drink a dead man and crash a couple cars.

It's basically a rebooted version of Planes, Trains and Automobiles.

Most of the humor is supposed to come from Zach Galifianakis and his wacky character who just can't get the hang of being social, but it falls short. I am not familiar with Mr. Galifianakis as an actor; the only other movie I have seen him in was G-Force and it is hard to tell if someone has chops when they are doing banter with a talking CGI guinea pig. Whether it's his acting or the lackluster script work, his character just isn't that funny, although he gets a laugh here and there.

Robert Downey, Jr. plays the expecting father Peter Highman, and he is just as charming, funny, and angry as he is in every other movie he does.

It's a very slow start but the movie does have some funny parts eventually: the drainage ditch bit, the weird way Zach Galifianakis walks, the Mexico car chase.

Ultimately it is the kind of movie you don't mind watching once and then never seeing again.

2.5 stars

Mystery Team

Ever wonder what the Hardy Boys or the Scooby Doo gang would be like after they grew up?


The Mystery Team used to be a hotshot group of super young super-sleuths, solving cases like "who stuck their fingers in Mrs. Kimmel's pie?" Now they are older, but still acting like little kids and still solving little cases, until they get the chance to solve a murder.

The movie was written, directed, and starred the guys from Derrick Comedy -- undoubtedly you have seen their work, as most of it has gone viral. Here is an example of their work that you may have seen.


The movie is hilarious, but what is really impressive is how many career hats everyone wore. Dominic Dierkes (who writes for "The Onion") plays Charlie; D.C. Peirson plays Duncan, co-wrote, and was the art director; and Donald Glover (who you will probably recognize from his work on the hit show Community)not only plays Jason, but composed the music and co-wrote, too.

The rest of the cast is basically comprised of your favorite bit players from your favorite sitcoms.

The only thing that works against the movie is that the bulk of it is carried by Donald Glover -- it's not that he can't carry the load, it's just that it seemed kind of unfair.

It was a good watch, especially seeing as how it was a first time effort on everyone's behalf.

3.5 stars

Nightmares in Red, White and Blue

Nightmares in Red, White and Blue is a documentary about American horror and its many transformations over the years.


Some of the biggest wigs in Hollywood horror, like John Carpenter (Halloween, Escape From New York)Roger Corman (The Fall of the House of Usher, Death Race 2000, Little Shop of Horrors) and George A. Romero (Night Of The Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, Land of the Dead, Diary of the Dead, Survival of the Dead), discuss horror movies from the silent movies like Phantom of the Opera to today's torture pornos like Hostel and Saw.

It was incredibly interesting to see these masters of terror talk about how the Wolfman was different from the other monsters, the use of humor, Stephen King as a darker Norman Rockwell and the atom bomb movies of the '50s. My only gripe is that they didn't talk about modern horror and its pension for almost sexualized gore enough.

It was an entrancing documentary and I encourage anyone with a love of horror to watch it.

4 stars.

What Happens in Brooklyn Stays In Brooklyn

Back in 2007 when Eddie Murphy didn't win an Oscar for his performance in Dreamgirls, he stood up and walked out of the ceremonies in a huff and I said to myself, "What an asshole." Later, when he knocked up Scary Spice and refused to take responsibility, I swore him and his movies off completely, except for the odd (and usually bad) Shrek movie.

I lifted my Murphy ban recently because sometimes, you just want to see a train wreck, and boy howdy does his career have a lot of train wrecks.


I can see how someone thought this was a good idea in 1995. Wes Craven was doing well in horror and Eddie was pre-Pluto Nash and hadn't even thought of wearing a fat suit yet.

The idea is decent: Max (that would be Eddie's vampire name) is an old school vamp trying to track down the last of his kind in the new school city of Brooklyn so that his race can continue.

This is where the movie is flawed. It seems that no one knew much about Vampires when making this. For example, if a vampire wants his kind to live on, he doesn't need to track down some distant member of the blood line, a vampire can just BITE A MOTHERFUCKER!

Also, vampires can't make fire sprout from their hands (a bad idea, as fire is one of the few ways to kill a vamp), make dogs go flying through the air (wtf?), sparkle in the sunlight (not an issue in this movie, but still), or turn into a wolf. You know who can turn into a wolf? FUCKING WEREWOLVES, that is who.

The movie follows Max the entire time, which was a bad move because Max is the bad guy, the girl he is hunting is the one we are supposed to be endeared to. (Spoiler Alert) It makes the ending where Max is killed and turned into so much ash incredibly lame.

The redeeming factor in this movie is Kadeem Hardison, who plays the comedic Renfield to Eddie's Blackula. He runs around Brooklyn doing his masters bidding, the whole time slowly falling apart, literally -- for more than half the movie he has to use a mannequin hand because his fell off while he was rubbing down his boss's limo. He provided most of the real humor while Eddie said corny things like "Don't worry, do I look like I bite?"

3 stars.

Lastly, what is with that hair?

Jonah Sux

Jonah Hex is like someone took Wild Wild West and sucked out all the fun and giant robot spiders.

Jonah's family gets killed by Quinton Turnbull and Jonah gets disfigured and left for dead in the process. He's saved by some Indians who bring him back from the dead and he picks up a couple powers while his soul returns to the land of the living. With the power to bring the dead back to life with a touch, he now roams the land as a bounty hunter and waits for his chance at revenge. He gets his chance when Turnbull starts robbing military outposts and assembling a giant weapon he plans to use to blow up Washington D.C., and it's up to Jonah to stop him.

I rented this movie thinking, "Cowboys, gunfights, Megan Fox, explosions -- what's not to like?" Turns out a lot.

It was like there just wasn't enough meat to the story, not enough detail to make me care. It felt weighed down by useless cell animated sequences and weird, pointless dream scenes.

Josh Brolin (Grindhouse, No Country For Old Men, W.) is Jonah Hex and his performance is dry and tasteless. Megan Fox (Transformers, Jennifer's Body) plays Lilah the whore, who is supposed to be a love interest, but she doesn't do much and isn't even satisfying eye candy. John Malkovich (Red, Being John Malkovich) isn't insane enough to be amusing as Turnbull and Will Arnett is woefully underused as Lieutenant Grass.

Seriously, Wild Wild West was better.

2.5 stars

Drive Angry

There are no words that could possibly describe how badly I want to see this movie.

Seeing Red

The CIA decide to off a couple of retired agents because they "know too much." The thing is, Frank Moses just doesn't feel like dying, so he proceeds to kick everyone's ass 'til he and his former co-workers can figure out what is going on and who wants them dead.

Bruce Willis (Die Hard, Die Hard 2, The Kid) is Frank Moses, and he does his normal brand of semi-quiet, witty face-punching like he has done in every action movie he has made, and it is still entertaining.

Mary-Louise Parker (Weeds) plays Sara, Frank's only friend, and is completely unaware of his past as a government gunslinger until people start trying to kill her. Mary plays the part well with humor and big, beautiful glassy eyes.

John Malkovich plays the insane Marvin Boggs. When has Malkovich ever not done a great job at being insane?

Morgan Freeman (Shawshank Redemption, Bruce Almighty) plays Joe, but his part felt a little undercooked, like a turkey that hasn't been in the oven long enough.

Helen Mirren (National Treasure 2, The Queen) plays Victoria and shoots an Uzi. That right there is worth the ticket price.

Rounding out the cast is Karl Urban as William Cooper, the CIA spook in charge of taking these old people to their graves. Maybe I am still nerd-ing out over his performance as McCoy in Star Trek but Karl Urban is freaking awesome.

This is also one of the few action movies, packed with explosions and gun fire, at which I saw people over the age of 60 attending and having just as good a time as me.

The script is hilarious, the action scenes are tight, and the soundtrack boosts the movie to another level.

4.5 stars

Let's go get pancakes.

The Nightmare Before Christmas both Tricks and Treats

Now that all the boys have put away their fake blood and plastic fangs and the girls have put away their slutty cat costumes, now that Halloween has officially been laid to rest until it rises once again next year, now it is finally time to watch The Nightmare Before Christmas.



The Nightmare Before Christmas, in addition to being a fantastic movie, has the rare distinction of being the only Christmas movie that is acceptable to watch before Thanksgiving. You can watch Jack and his ghoulish gang any time after October 31st. (Probably a couple days before that if need be.)



One thing I found incredibly interesting was that absolutely none of the voice cast is what would be considered A-list. The person who ranks highest on the fame-o-meter is Paul Ruebens (better known as Pee Wee Herman) and his part is pretty limited. Still, the cast does a great job making werewolves sound like werewolves and faceless clowns sound like faceless clowns.

Danny Elfman brings his typical brand of frantic circus music, which is always wonderful, but in this setting it really pops and thrives.

The music is catchy, the animation is stellar; if anything, the only thing this movie has going against is that I will always remember it as the movie that continues to trick me. Every time Tim Burton releases a new movie, I think "I am so excited, after all, he was responsible for Nightmare Before Christmas," and sometimes he delivers again, gives us a Beetlejuice, Batman Returns or Edward Scissorhands, but sometimes he shovels a steaming pile of crap in our face like Corpse Bride, Planet of The Apes or Sweeney Todd. Yet still, any time Tim Burton comes out with anything, I will become all a-twitter and remember how wonderful The Nightmare Before Christmas was.

5 Stars

The NeverEnding Story Ends after about an Hour and A Half.

There have been many times in my life when I wished I could hop on the nearest luck dragon and chase my fears into a dumpster while I pump my fist in the air and yell "Yeah! Yeah!"

It's hard to review a movie with such nostalgic weight to it, so, to be perfectly honest, I am not going to review this movie, but rather talk about it.

This movie had a profound effect on me as a child. I know what you are thinking, you are thinking this movie rekindled a deep love of books, but no, it didn't, I have never been much of a reader, dyslexia saw to that. (By the way, do you know how much of a pain it is to spell the word "dyslexia" when you have dyslexia?) No, it didn't send my flying into the arms of a leather bound book or even a paperback. It did, however, make me love bookstores.

Not just any bookstore will do though, no. Barnes & Nobles are too sterile, too clean. A bookstore, a proper bookstore, should be a bit messy, it should have books piled up, books overflowing from the shelves and display cases. It should smell like leather, paper and just a hint of mold, and be run by a very old and wise man.

The NeverEnding Story was the first time I ever saw a bookstore like that. It promised safety and adventure.

Sometimes I will walk into a bookstore, with no intention of buying a book, just to look around and smell the place... and maybe look for a fantastic book that has the power to draw its reader in.

Star Trek

The new Star Trek movie is as if the old Star Trek shot up a combination of smack and Mountain Dew straight into its arm and started frantically and expertly humping a beautiful and nerdy tattooed girl in the backseat of a hot rod with the blaring of AC/DC on the radio providing the only background accompaniment to her passionate moans of ecstasy.

IT'S. BAD. ASS.

Within the first 15 or so minutes of the movie, a 12-year-old James T. Kirk steals a vintage 1960s Corvette and starts blasting -- and I am not kidding here -- "Sabotage" by the Beastie Boys. At the last moment he leaps from the speeding convertible just before it goes skidding off a cliff. BAD ASS!

The movie keeps that tone through out while still being nerdy.

The cast is amazing. Admittedly, it was a little hard for me to accept them. I kept expecting Spock to cut open Capt. Kirk's brain in order to steal his powers, Scotty to fight off a horde of zombies (most likely comprised of Red Shirts), and Sulu to hijack the whole operation in an attempt to find the nearest White Castle. These expectations were obliterated pretty quickly, although when Kirk's mother was being wheeled to a shuttle in the midst of giving birth to him, I was disappointed when no one got it when I yelled "Where's House?" Other than that, though, the cast managed to separate themselves from their past roles like a lizard can separate itself from its tail.

Zachary Quinto was the ideal pick to play Spock: having played a serial killer in Heroes, he has become quite adept at pulling off the whole I-am-completely-divorced-from-emotion-except-for-the-odd-outburst-of-rage thing. Also, he pulls off the bowl haircut better than anyone I have seen since Leonard Nimoy.

Chris Pine is just as brash and bold as you would hope a young Jim Kirk would be. In the bar fight he gets in (yes, there is a bar fight), he doesn't give a shit that he is getting the crap beat out of him because he "doesn't believe in no-win situations." It takes a hell of an actor to pull off that level of arrogance and make it believable.

I have to say, I am not often attracted to black girls (not a racist, they just don't get my blood working) but I would gladly make an exception for Zoe Saldana, who played Uhura, I am sure the things I want to do to her would not be approved of by the Federation.

(Not often attracted to green girls either, that also changed)

I don't think it was much of a stretch for Simon Pegg to play Scotty seeing as how Scotty was the punchline for most of Star Trek. That being said, he did a great job of being Scottish.

John Cho, better known as Harold from all those movies where he and Kumar go places, was a little bit hardcore, but I guess anyone who has sword fight after parachuting onto a space drill and doesn't die like some crazy Red Shirt would be hardcore.

Leonard Nimoy was awesome as old Spock. I heard tell that William Shatner was hella pissed that he was never asked to make a cameo as the aging Capt. Kirk but, as much as I love Mr. Shatner, he did not age as gracefully as Mr. Nimoy and having him in the movie would have spread a kind of cheesiness over the whole thing that would have upset the balance of the film. Leonard Nimoy could never be as cheesy as his friend, though: he always had an air of dignity and grace about him even when he was doing guest spots on Futurama, and he brings all that into his role (not just a cameo, a critical fucking role).

But the best actor of all was Karl Urban in the role of surly doctor Bones. The other actors get about 99.9% of their role right, the things they miss are difficult things to get right when someone has already played your part 40 years beforehand -- speech patterns and intonation, things like that. I will be damned though if Karl Urban doesn't hit the nail on the fucking head, he sounds and acts just like the original Dr. McCoy right down to the way he pauses or curses.

The plot is a stroke of brilliance. The story line manages to retcon the entire Star Trek world while still keeping the original cannon intact. I mean, I really can't go on about it without completely destroying you with spoilers, but let's just say the Star Trek you once loved still gets to exist while a new one gets to have some fun.

This movie was like sex, and I am not just saying that because I wanted a cigarette afterward. It is not the action packed fuck-fest you had after half a bottle of Jameson with a hot stranger in college, this was more like coming home on a hot summer night from a long day at work and being greeted by your girlfriend of a few years: you fall into each other, you moan, you laugh, there are moments that are steamy and passionate, moments that are loving and moments where you frantically and expertly hump her. In the end you lay next to each other completely satisfied. So either Star Trek was that good or I need to get laid... probably both are true.

Matinee Showing

The 1950s Cuban missile crisis has got everyone in Key West all hot and bothered -- everyone except for horror movie mogul Lawrence Woolsey, who has just rolled into town to promote and premier his new motion picture, Mant.

The showman is quickly befriended by Gene, who helps Lawrence out when he isn't in school, watching horror movies, or taking care of his little brother. Gene's dad has been called off with the rest of the military to help stop the Russians from giving weapons to the Cubans and everyone in town is going batshit, stocking up on supplies and timing their bunker doors to make sure they will shut before the nuclear blast can obliterate them.

The plot isn't stellar, I'll admit, but the movie has a lot of heart. It shows a period of time when going to a movie was a real treat, a time when gimmicks were a little more creative than slapping on a shiny coat of 3D. This movie gave a voice to an idea I have had for many years: people don't go to a movie to see a movie, they go to believe in magic again.


John Goodman (Monsters, Inc., Big Lewboski, Speed Racer) plays Lawrence with a lot of unexpected warmth and kindness. On the opposite side, Cathy Moriarty (But I'm A Cheerleader, Casper) plays leading lady and Lawrence girlfriend Ruth Corday with an icy coldness that, while amusing, seems a little out of place. Last but not the least of the adult cast is Robert Picardo (better known as the holographic doctor on Star Trek: Voyager) as Howard, the neurotic theater owner who is convinced the bomb is gonna drop any second.

The cast of kids is okay; they play their parts well, but none of them stand out above the crowed with two slight exceptions. Omri Katz played Stan, buddy to Gene, who later went on to play the lead in the TV show Eerie Indiana as well as Max in Hocus Pocus. He may not be the greatest in this movie, but the sheer amount of '90s nostalgia he brings with him makes up for it. The other kid I kept noticing was the actress Kellie Martin, who played Stan's love interest, Sherry. Something about her kept ringing a bell in my head until I looked her up on IMDb.com

The girl from this image...

...may be better recognized as the girl from this image:

That's right, Kellie Martin is motherfucking Roxanne from A Goofy Movie. How fantastic is that?

All in all I had a good time watching Matinee. It isn't the greatest movie ever made, but it is very charming.

I give it 5 stars for movie lovers, 3.5 stars for the general public.

Redeemed By Shawshank Redemption

After watching the awful horridness of Ballistic: Ecks Vs Sever, I needed to cleanse my palate with something decent, something good, something with "redemption" in the title so I could make the obligatory joke about Ecks Vs Sever almost destroying my faith in cinema.


I had seen bits and pieces of Shawshank on TV, enough to pique my interest but not enough to hold it when in competition with the expansive wilderness of cable TV. I vowed that some day I would watch this movie in its entirety, and today I did.


The story is about Andy Dufresne (Tim Robbins Mystic River, High Fidelity) a young banker who's wife and lover get shot. The murder is pinned on Andy and he, a refined and educated man, gets thrown into Shawshank prison. There, he befriends Red (Morgan FreemanDark Knight, Seven) and a couple other guys, and together they try to make life tolerable and not get raped.

The movie is based on a story by Stephen King, which surprised me, because unless the story is about a haunted hospital or a demonic car one doesn't think it would be written by Stephen King.

The director, Frank Darabont (Green Mile, The Mist, Walking Dead) did a fantastic job. He managed to make the most enclosed and claustrophobic places feel big and open. I don't know how he did it, but the entire movie felt humble.

Everyone in the cast plays their parts wonderfully, none more so than Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman. Robbins plays the part with reserve and a quiet charm and Freeman has a voice that is like fine chocolate milk for your ear.

It's a strangely simple movie, quiet and peaceful.

4 Stars!

Insert Witty Title About Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever Here

The other day I went off on a rant about having to defend my reasoning for liking bad movies. I thought I would elaborate by showing that I know the difference between a good bad movie and a bad bad movie, so I watched a movie that has been widely regard as the worst film of our generation, Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever.



This is a bad bad movie. For example, everything said in the trailer is wrong. They are not sworn enemies, for a big chunk of the movie they don't even know about each other, and the whole "micro device" thing is a pretty small plot point. Also, every second that could be considered remotely interesting is in that trailer. In that 2 minutes and 28 seconds you saw pretty much every car accident and explosion.

The character development is weaker than an old man's piss stream. Not enough time is spent on anyone's back story for us to give a shit about what they are doing in the present. It's like "Oh, she is doing this because she once had a kid? I must have sneezed and missed the 2-second flash back of her holding a baby."

The director, Wych Kaosayananda, seemed to take all his directing cues from mid-90s TV action shows. It was as if he had taken all the aerial shots from Baywatch, removed all the bikini babes, the color, the sun and the fun, leaving us with dull gray shots of down town Vancouver, B.C.

The actions sequences felt very stilted and choreographed. It was like someone had taken highly skilled fighters and made them fight while encased by lime jello.

Antonio Banderas and Lucy Liu play the leads, but there is only so much an actor can do with an awful script and an inexperienced director. It's hard to tell if their acting contributed to a lousy production or if a lousy production affected their acting, either way you get no sense of emotion from either of them or any other actor for that matter.

Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever is a bad bad movie. If one or two people had put in a lot less effort it could have been a good bad movie (e.g., one liners so corny they make you laugh, fight scenes you can mock because you can see they aren't hitting each other, etc., etc.) and if one or two people had put in an insane amount of effort it could have been a slightly okay movie.

One star, one shameful star

The Misconception About B-Movie Fans

Countless times, I have had to speak up and take a stand when my taste in movies has come under attack. Countless times, I have been at the video store with friends and my suggestions and selections are met with scoffs and eye-rolling. Countless times, I have heard, "You like bad movies."

You know what? Yes, yes I do like bad movies, but not for the reasons you think I do.

You see a plot involving thugs forcing the Ben Affleck character to dress as Santa and rob a casino. I see a chance to laugh at stupid one-liners and Ben Affleck's inability to be threatening while holding a gun.

You see a 1970's zombie movie. I see a chance to mock bad makeup and horrible synth music.

I like these movies because I like to revel in their badness. I know that a movie called Rock & Roll Nightmare stood no chance of ever winning an Oscar, nor would I want it to, I know that Death Race 2000 is not going down in history as a golden moment in cinema. I just like to laugh at the cheesy acting and gaping plot holes.

I LIKE TO MOCK BAD MOVIES.


I know the difference between a well-written script and a hack job, I know the difference between a high powered, professional camera and a rinky-dink digital one from Best Buy, I know the difference between Christopher Nolan and Roger Corman and I know the difference between Bruce Willis and Bruce Campbell.

What I am trying to say is, I like good movies because they are good and bad movies because they are bad. Don't get it mixed up.

Nicolas Cage: Wizard

Ever since National Treasure, my friends and I have approached Nicolas Cage movies from one perspective: all Nicolas Cage movies are, in fact, real life documentaries about Nicholas Cage.

This explains two things about life as we know it:
1. It explains why Nicholas Cage's "acting" is more or less the same in every film. It's because he isn't acting, he is just living his life while someone happens to be filming.

2. It explains why no one is allowed to see the back of the Declaration of Independence.



I can hear you now, laughing off my theory like Christians laugh off evolution. "They can't be documentaries," you say, "they would have never been able to film that one where he is a knight or whatever because cameras didn't exist." Well did you ever think of this, you stupid monkey descendant? Nicolas Cage is a fucking wizard.



That is right, Nicolas Cage knows magic.

Case in point, The Sorcerer's Apprentice.

A cute little flick, and funny, too. In it Nicolas Cage must find the one person who is powerful enough with the magics that they will be able to stop the evil wizard Maxim Horvath from raising Morgana, the evilest wizard of all. Trouble is, the kid doesn't know he is a wizard and so Cage must train him.

"A-ha!" you say. "If it really is a documentary, how come that kid, Jay Baruchel, who was in such hilarious movies as Knocked Up and Tropic Thunder, is in this movie being equally as hilarious?" Now I must ask you, haven't you ever seen a look-a-like? Come on.

"Well" you say, nervously now that I have bested you twice, "what about the evil wizard Maxim Horvath? He looks an awful lot like the fantastic actor Alfred Molina who played Doc Ock in Spiderman 2." Anyone who is paying attention can deduce that Alfred is also probably a wizard, most likely a wizard who has given up on magic and devoted his life to acting in movies... but not this movie where he is, in fact, an evil wizard.

Now all you can do is sit back and wait for Nicolas Cage's next documentary entitled Ghost Rider 2.

I give Sorcerer 4 stars and an eye of newt.

Anvil! The Little Metal Band That Could.

Somewhere in my parents stacks of VHS home movies, there is a music video my brother and I made with some friends. The tape mostly consists of the lot of us jumping around in the backyard and pretending to play baseball bats like they were Flying V guitars, the point is we dreamed of being rock stars... and so did you. Admit it, you have stood in front of a mirror and pretended your reflection was a stadium full of fans, you have sung aloud in your car and maybe done some air guitar in the shower.

Everyone has dreamed of being a big ass ROCKSTAR! Anvil! The Story of Anvil is a documentary about a bunch of guys who never stopped dreaming.


There was a time in the '80s when metal was still a popular thing, when power chords and leather bondage stage getups were the shit, and twenty years ago, for 15 minutes, Anvil not only toured with the biggest names in metal, but led them, so it was a mystery when Anvil never made it big.

This movie is about Steve "Lips" Kudlow and Robb Reiner, the founders of Anvil and the guys who, even though they are deep into their 50s, refuse to give up on their dreams of stardom.

The movie is a like a real life version of Spinal Tap except less funny, a little sadder, and ultimately more heartfelt.

We follow the band as they go on a ramshackle tour through Europe, playing in clubs for a crowd of 5 people, yelling at club owners who refuse to pay and getting on each others nerves.

We follow them to London to record a new album with the only producer who ever made them sound good and getting on each others nerves.

We follow them to Japan and watch them get their moment in the sun in front of a huge, screaming crowd.

Their devotion to their dream of making it walks the thin line between sad and heroic.


3.5 stars with some head banging and throwing of the horns.

Resident Evil: Afterlife

Have you ever wondered what The Matrix would be like if Neo had to fight zombies?

Resident Evil: Afterlife is the 4th in a long line of Resident Evil movies which are based on the Resident Evil video games.

The basic premise is this: evil company makes zombies which kill everyone except for the people who were smart enough to grab a shotgun.

The Resident Evil movies follow Alice, the first person to grab a shotgun.

You really do need to see the first 3 movies in order for the 4th to make complete sense. I can't talk a lot about the plot as the plot is dependent on you seeing the last 3 movies, but what I can tell you is that the protagonist, Alice, is looking for Arcadia, a place that promises food, shelter, and a complete lack of zombies, when she stumbles on a few survivors and together they have to fight for their lives.

Afterlife is what happens when you put The Matrix and a spoonful of Dawn of the Dead in an oven and set it to 350. The gunfights, the slow motion bullets, the actions scenes that pause as the camera pans around; the main villain even wears nothing but suits and sunglasses while he does a voice that is somewhere in between Agent Smith and Val Kilmer. All if it feels like The Matrix but without the ambiance and the vacant look in Keanu's eyes.

The acting isn't terribly impressive -- for the longest time I thought Ali Larter was just another one of Milla Jovovich's clones. It's a zombie movie, so I wasn't expecting "Hamlet," but still, ya should be able to tell that two different people are TWO FUCKING DIFFERENT PEOPLE.

That being said the movie is very entertaining. I mean, where else will you ever see a well-muscled black man keep a WW2 fighter plane from crashing off the roof of a prison by going all Air Jordan to grab the tail? Or a really hot girl sling two double-barreled shotguns like bartenders sling drinks? Or a giant hammer/axe fuck up a bathroom?

Seeing it in 3D is the way to go, as it was totally shot to titillate an audience (i.e. SHIT FLIES AT YO FACE MAN) and really brings all those monster-popping-out-of-the-dark-closet style scenes to a new level.

Don't expect much, but do expect a good time.

Surf Ninjas.

Surf Ninjas. Possibly the best movie about surfing ninjas that has ever been made.


This movie is eXtreme to the max.

Scott Pilgrim VS The World: An epic Epic of Epicness

This movie is like someone took some episodes of Speed Racer, some old NES games and a handful of comic books, put them into a blender and hit the awesome button. It's an amazing mish-mash of color and pop.

Scott Pilgrim (played by Michael Cera from Arrested Development)) plays bass in a band called the Sex Bob-ombs (NERDGASM) and non-creepily dates a high school girl named Knives (Ellen Wong), and things are fine until he meets the girl of his dreams, literally. Thing is, the girl, Ramona Flowers (played by Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Death Proof, Live Free Or Die Hard) has some emotional baggage in the form of 7 evil ex-lovers that have vowed to obliterate anyone who makes the moves on Ramona. Scott has got to dig deep, figure himself out and kick some ass if he wants to be with her.

Where to start? The source materiel is great, the script is like a breathing comic book, the directing is stellar, and the acting is spot-the-fuck-on.

Edgar Wright, the same mad Brit who brought us Hot Fuzz and Shaun of The Dead, brings his bountiful nerd talent to both the script (with the help of Michael Bacall, who played one of the Nazi-killing jews in Inglourious Basterds) and the direction. His unique way of blending the branches of pop culture lends itself perfectly to the subject matter.



Michael Cera does what he does best, which is being amusingly awkward, but the bevy of fight scenes allows him to finally start inching away from his ultra-shy style comfort zone. Although he may look like he has never, ever raised a fist in anger in his entire life, Cera sells the fight scenes like a fucking snake oil salesman.

I have to say, I must, that Winestead is insanely beautiful and somehow, doing things like pulling giant sledge hammers from her pursue and wearing goggles just makes her all the more beautiful. In SP VS TW she is tight lipped, intelligent, a li'l bitchy and creative -- in other words, she is perfect.

The unexpected brilliance comes from Kieran Culkin (Igby Goes Down, but probably better known as Macaulay Culkin's little brother) as Wallace Wells, Scott's gay roommate. He plays his character with hilarity and sort of self-absorbed thoughtfulness. It is really a crying shame that the Culkin clan doesn't do more work.

I really could just keep gushing about the entire cast; there isn't a weak link amongst them, not even Chris Evans.

Out of 5 stars, I give Scott Pilgrim 7, one for each ex.

Land Of The Lost wasn't lost on me.

Rather than explain the plot of Land of The Lost, I will just post a YouTube clip of the original TV show.


In my review of The Other Guys, I gave Will Ferrell a thorough verbal smacking, and today I have come with a fork and knife to eat my words. In Land of The Lost, Will Ferrell is hysterical. He is kind of doing his same old schtick, but in this setting it works.

Will Ferrell plays shamed scientist, Rick Marshall.

Danny McBride (Tropic Thunder, Pineapple Express) plays Will, the redneck owner of a failing tourist attraction.

Anna Friel (the dead girl from Pushing Daisies) plays Marshall's assistant, Holly.

And lastly Jorma Taccone (who hasn't done any notable acting before) plays the monkey creature Chaka.

This movie floundered in theaters -- I only really rented it because I dug the aesthetic.

How can anyone resist seeing the Golden Gate Bridge half buried while Big Ben leans in the background like a drunk uncle at a baseball game? I was not disappointed: collapsing drive-ins, Cadillacs sticking out of the ground like freshly grown sunflowers, and a storefront that is literally just the front of a store. The look of the movie is pretty impressive.

Danny and Will ad-lib a lot and it was probably an improvement on the script. I can't tell if Anna does any improv and Jarme does nothing but grunt and bob around, but both are still good companions for Danny and Will.

The Lizard people (I think they are called Sleestacks) look fake, the dinosaurs look real, and an ice cream man gets eaten. I seriously can't figure out why this movie flopped: it is by no means what one might call "high brow," but neither is it a pile of shit like Gigli.

It is a good rent.

3.5 stars.

The Other Guys Cop Out

Here is recipe for an average Will Ferrell movie.

1. Get Will Ferrell.
2. Give him a wacky character.
3. Give his wacky character a job.
4. Add water and stir until done.

I loved Anchorman as much as everyone else, but at this point, I think Ferrell is just beating the dead horse in an attempt to restart its heart.

The story is about two desk jockey cops, one itching to bust heads, the other contentedly crunching numbers. By sheer accident, they stumble onto a Ponzi scheme which leads to explosions and gun fights, as Ponzi schemes tend to do.

Micheal Keaton plays the police captain who often quotes TLC lyrics.

Samuel L. Jackson and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson play the kick-ass Die-Hard-style cops who often wreck vintage sports cars, but their bit in the movie is minuscule at best.

There is the usual bunch of guys who you have seen a half dozen times in every Will Ferrell or Vince Vaughn movie but still can't remember their names.

Mark Wahlberg, in a surprising move, plays the cop who is itching to bust heads.

And Ferrell is the eccentric but quiet accountant who would rather crunch numbers than shoot bad guys.

The movie tries hard but falls flat. It's everything we saw in Anchorman, Talladega Nights and Semi-Pro, so maybe if you haven't seen all these movies, you might think The Other Guys is a fucking laugh riot.

Wahlberg drives the plot forward with the grace of a drunken truck driver, but in his defense, he is pretty funny with how serious he is and some of his insults I have made a mental note to use when I want to get in a bar fight ("When your piss hits the urinal, it sounds feminine.") But it isn't enough to save the movie.

The only other bright spot was Steve Coogan (Tropic Thunder), who played the villain. Maybe it's just because he is British, but he came across as charming, befuddled, and is the only guy in the whole movie who made me chuckle.

Other than Wahlberg, Coogan and Ferrell's tired A game, the movie has nothing going for it, nothing. The other characters aren't funny, the action is pretty tame (except that bit with the golfers, that was freakin' sweet), and the guy who invented the cop genre once again spins in his grave.

If you want to see a good police comedy, get Cop Out, it's on DVD.



This movie was widely panned by critics, but I ask you, what Kevin Smith wasn't? I also ask you, what Kevin Smith movie isn't completely awesome? That is a trick question because THEY ARE ALL COMPLETELY AWESOME.

Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan play a couple of detectives trying to get a baseball card back.

That right there sets it apart. Name one cop flick where the characters don't accidentally blunder into some huge case. THEY ALL DO. Not these guys, though, they are just trying to get a baseball card back. (Okay, so maybe along the way they blunder into a big case, but they are still trying to get the card.)

Tracy Morgan is freaking hilarious and Willis makes a great straight man while still doing his whole bad-ass-with-a-heart-of-gold thing.

Laughs, action, and a little kid getting punched in the dick make Cop Out way better than The Other Guys.

Cop Out gets a 5 star accommodation.
The Other Guys gets busted down to parade duty and made to clean horse shit.

Exit Through the Gift Shop: Don't Let The Sliding Doors Hit You On The Way Out

How to explain Exit Through the Gift Shop to your friends in 4 easy steps.

Step 1
Ask your friend if they know who Banksy is.
Step 2
Act completely disturbed when they tell you that they have no idea who Banksy is.
Step 3
Show your stupid friend these images.


Step 4
After your friend smacks their forehead and says "Oh yeah, I know Banksy. Is the movie about him?" you respond with "Well... sort of."


In its baby form, this documentary was supposed to be about graffiti art and artists, including Banksy, but Banksy flipped the camera around without actually touching it.

The movie became about the director, Thierry Guetta, and how he morphs from a man filming street art to a man making street art, and eventually into a man-made street art explosion.

Thierry films every moment of his life and when he finds out that one of his family members does graffiti, he tags along with his camera in tow. From there it is a downhill tumble that, in the end, shows us that Thierry is passionately insane.

The movie is a mishmash of Thierry's home movies, shot from various handheld cameras. He follows some of the worlds greatest artists around, and when I say "follows," I mean he is there on rooftops and climbing on ledges right behind them. He is like the trained bird no ninja assassin should be with out.

The movie climaxes when Thierry fills an entire warehouse with his own art that bears a striking resemblance to all the pop art I have ever seen. By the end of the film, all the people who got him into the world of street art start talking like they are Dr. Frankenstein and he is the monster: "Sure, it was all fun and games 'til he started mangling villagers."

Some people get a little too big for their britches, and Thierry tears his to shreds like the goddamn Hulk, but his art is good. Before the TNT blast that is his first show, Thierry has already started selling paintings for ridiculous sums of money, paintings of John Lennon with a hole through his head and a Connect-the-Dots portrait of Andy Warhol.

This movie does something that few movies do, it entertained and it made me think. It was only as I was leaving, wondering why it was called Exit Through The Gift Shop that I realized the whole thing was about the commercialization of the art world, how some people shell out millions of dollars to get a canvas version of a painting that is sold in postcard form at the airport.

It's also about the impermanence of street art.

It's also about how Banksy is kind of a clever prick.

It's also about how there is beauty everywhere.

It's kind of a cruel joke but no one knows who it's on.

5 stars and a confused but intrigued expression.

The unforgettable Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Boy meets girl, boy wins girl over, boy and girl kiss. It's a story as old as time and with little variation: sure, the boy occasionally stops the girl at the airport just before she gets on an plane to France, but the meet/win/kiss still provides the skeleton of most Hollywood stories. This is where Forgetting Sarah Marshall is different.



Peter (played by Jason Segel from How I Met Your Mother) gets his ass dumped by girlfriend and famous actress Sarah Marshall (Kirsten Bell of Veronica Mars). In an attempt to get on with his life, he takes a trip to Hawaii, but unbeknownst to him, Sarah has also decided to visit the islands with her new rock star boyfriend Aldous Snow (played by Russell Brand, who also plays Aldous Snow in the equally hilarious Get Him To the Greek, which I also reviewed) and they are staying at the same hotel.

Peter, when not weeping like the ghost of a dead widow, seemingly befriends the entire hotel staff, including front desk Rachel (Mila Kunis, That 70's Show) and air-headed surfing instructor Chuck (played by the increasingly popular Paul Rudd, I Love You, Man.)

Not many movies have the guts to tackle the break up, but this movie beat the subject with a funny bone. Even though you are laughing at him the entire time, you connect with Peter. There were many times while watching that I was sort of smiling and wincing at the same time; smiling because it is funny, wincing because we have all had that moment where you think you are ding okay, but then your ex shows up and you go to pieces, or you see them with that new person and even though you know you should look away, you can't, like them making out is some kind of horrible traffic accident.

We get an outside perspective of all the painful steps we have all taken and we laugh.

The story telling is fantastic. As soon as the movie starts, Peter is dumped, and as the story progresses we are shown little scenes, snapshots of their relationship, and we get to see them the way we would remember our own relationship after it ends. First the good memories, the ones we can't get back, like that time you both laid in the grass, played video games, or when they kissed your nose for no reason; but as time goes on and you see your ex making out with Russell Brand, you remember all the shitty times, like when they bought you a terrible shirt that you wore to be nice, or when they just didn't get that thing you love. The flashbacks really help move the story along.

Jason Segel wrote the script, but when your cast list includes such comedy wizards as Bill Hader, Paul Rudd, Jack McBrayer, Russell Brand, and Jonah Hill, it's hard to tell what is good writing and what is good acting. The whole thing is just knock-down, drag-out funny.

Also, Mila Kunis? Li'l bit of a badass. At least, her character is: she doesn't stand for your guff and she will come at you like a junkie with a knife if you cross her. She is awesome.


The only bad thing I can say about this movie is that Jason Segel acts like he does in every movie: there is no difference between his performance in Forgetting Sarah Marshall and How I Met Your Mother or I Love You, Man, but he is funny as hell in I Love You, Man and How I Met your Mother is my favorite show, so fuck it.

5 Stars

P.S. There is a rock opera about Dracula done with puppets. If that doesn't intrigue you, than you have no soul.

Here's To You, Meet The Robinsons

I will admit it, I am a complete sucker for animated movies. Cars, Toy Story, Happily Never After, Shrek, that one where John Cusack was a hunchback, I have seen them all and loved most of them.

Meet The Robinsons flew in under my radar, though, and I missed it -- that is, until it popped up on Netflix.


Meet The Robinsons is a Disney movie about an orphan (at this point it would be harder to find a Disney character with two living parents than it would be to repair Mel Gibson's image) who dreams of two things:

1. Inventing great things
2. Getting adopted

And yes, those things are listed in order. Lewis can't seem to get any of his many inventions to work, but just when he is on the brink of a breakthrough at the school science fair, a mysterious man in a bowler hat sabotages and then absconds with his most recent invention, the Brain Scanner. What follows is a wacky trip through time in a mad race to set things right.

When it comes to animation everyone knows that Pixar is the Holy Beast before which all must bow, but the art work of Meet The Robinsons was good, even great. Walt Disney Feature Animation really stepped up its game and, while still cowering in the shadow of the almighty Pixar, did some real quality work.

Visually, the movie is very bright and fluffy, like a neon bunny fresh from the dryer.


And as colorful as the landscapes may be, the characters are even more so. There is no way I could properly encapsulate in words the sheer hilarious weirdness of the characters Lewis meets in the future, but I will sum it up by saying this: there is a giant squid for a butler and Adam West plays a pizza delivery boy.


The thing I love about these computer animated movies is that, even with all the uplifting kiddie crap, there are still a few places where adult humor can slip in, like when a bunch of frogs in suits (don't ask) throw a flying hat (again, don't ask) into the trunk of their black sedan, and we see it land next to a shovel and a tire iron before the frogs close the lid in a menacing fashion. Kids laugh because it is a flying hat and frogs, adults laugh because they know the flying hat is gonna get whacked.

I give Meet The Robinsons 4 stars

Jennifer's Body: A Lesson in Anatomy

Jennifer's Body was great, it really put the teen aspect into teen horror. The story is that Jennifer is the victim of a Satanic ritual gone wrong, and as result, she becomes a sultry demon who must feed on boy meat and it is up to her timid best friend, Anita "Needy" Lesnicky, to do something about it and/or make out with her.


It was like Juno but with blood and a hot lezzy kissing scene. Not surprisingly this freak film was written by Diablo Cody, the same tattooed writer who penned Juno.

The only real problem I had with this movie is the same problem I had with Juno: the dialog is almost too kitschy and clever for its own good. While watching Juno I'd laugh, but some part of my brain would get upset over the fact that no one, teenaged or otherwise, talks with such heavy doses of lingo. Thankfully, all the slang in this movie is relegated to Megan Fox's bitchy ice queen high school character where it can be considered somewhat believable.

This movie is Megan Fox's perfect role. The entire male population has gone googly-eyed over this salty morsel because of her bangin' bod, though in reality her bod is no different than half the other nearly nude starlets in Hollywood; what makes Fox the stuff of wet dreams is her eyes, her eyes that seem to say, "Yes, I will fuck you, but only until House comes on." She IS the slutty girl in high school who slept with everyone except for you and so she really doesn't have to do any acting, which is perfect for her.

I can now, however, effectively end my ogling of her. Sure, I will look at magazine spreads of her and I won't be able to help what parts of my body blood rushes to, but I can no longer see her as anything else but a soulless husk with a pretty shell. If her acting could get any closer to wooden you could easily mistake her for a IKEA's latest stick of furniture.

Her counterpart in the film, Amanda Seyfried, has got some real chops, or at least she does in comparison to Fox. The scenes that Megan can't carry by looking super duper sexified, Amanda holds with talent. She plays a character who has to be strong and vulnerable, frightened and brave, insane and sane at the same time and does so with colors that fly from here to eternity. I hope she can make a career out of this, I really do.

In fact, the entire cast does a great job of going far above the mahogany floor that is Fox's acting. The teenagers act like teenagers, the teachers are teachers. The only problem with the acting is that there isn't more of it from J.K. Simmons (the dad from Juno) and Amy Sedaris (from Strangers With Candy). You have a couple veterans of film with huge talent and they are on and off screen in less than 10 minutes.

Jennifer's Body is a collection of things that are so bad they are good and so good they are great.

867-5309 stars.